The guilt of not contributing financially to the household can be huge! It can wear on you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and that can lead to feeling physically drained. I feel like no matter how hard you try to stay out of your head, when your spouse comes home exhausted after a hard day, the guilt of being at home just comes creeping up. The burden that they are bearing to bring home money could be eased, only if I went to work too. But, is that the truth? Every situation is different and I can only speak for our situation at the Amell household and the short answer to that is, for us, no, it’s not the truth. No matter how many times the thought of “I have to go get a job and help out financially” comes creeping into my head, when we actually sit down and run the numbers and include everything else that would be sacrificed, it would not be beneficial for me to go to work right now.
I will speak in quick detail (is quick detail an oxy-moron?) as to why this is not beneficial for us. The numbers I am using is what I used to get paid as a Medical Office Administrator making $17.50 an hour and working between 40 and 44 hours per week, which is what I used to work before Joseph was born. We have two kids at home right now that would need to go into daycare and the costs for that would equal most of my paycheck. Another aspect to the “daycare” situation is the fact that Josh has to leave for work at 7:45 am and the boys do not get onto the bus until 9:00 am. There is before and after school care available at the boy’s school, and if my job requires me to be at work before 9:30 am and/or after 4:00 pm, then we would need to enroll the boys into the before and after school care at their school which would add to the daycare expense. Then, there is meals and lunches we have to think about. We would need to get our act together and get meals and lunches more planned out and prepared than we do now. The house cleaning and laundry would get done less and our days off would be spent doing the household chores. While this was our reality not too long ago and is a reality for many people, the fact that it just sucks is still huge! Gas is another added expense, especially if I have to commute outside of town and another Tesla is not in our budget right now. When we calculate the financials of me going to work, I would need to make more than $50,000 a year in order for it to make sense for me to go to work, pay for daycare, add a lot more stress and scheduling into our lives, and spend a lot less time with the kids. All of these factors are why getting a job right now is not in our cards.
If you want it broken down into detail: a $50,000 salary per year brings you home about $770 per week supposing taxes are about 20% of your paycheck. Lets assume we were to pay $100 per day for 2 children in daycare, $25 per day for the two older boy’s to be in before school care, and $15 a day in gas to commute to work, this would equal $700 per week. I think the expense numbers are an underestimation and this doesn’t include the increase the car insurance to put a commute on the van. So, would the added stress be worth the $70 a week we would be adding to our bank accounts?
The main thing you need to remember is that as a Stay-at-Home parent, we contribute in so many other ways! We know what hard work and dedication are in order to be able to run a household, keep it tidy, plan the family events, do the grocery shopping; essentially doing all the things! This also requires lots of willpower to stay on task and not to succumb to the temptations of the “relax at home” mentality. We need to know how to make a budget and stay within that budget, especially for grocery shopping! So please listen when I tell you that there is nothing to feel guilty about! You work just as hard as your other half! I mean if you want to break it down into “careers”, we are chefs, event planners, teachers, care workers, maids, and much more depending on what else you do at home. I bake all the birthday cakes for the many birthdays in the house, so I can add baker to my resume. I also garden, mow the lawn, shovel the snow, and work on renovations in my spare time.
If you have children at home, you are the one providing the care that you know is perfect for them. You’re making meals for them, getting them dressed, doing their laundry, cleaning up after them and with them, and teaching your children the things that you want them to learn. They’re learning manners, social etiquette, sharing; essentially how to be a human with the morals and ethics you want them to have! This is allowing you to save the expense of daycare which is a huge expense these days! It can also save gas money if you were commuting to work before, it can save the expense of eating out for meals at work if you sometimes did that, and it could also save the expense of needing a second car and insurance! So in a way, that is money we’ve earned because it is money that the family is not spending.
So along with the big expenses that can be saved by not going to work, you also need to think about how making home cooked meals, meal planning, meal prepping, and anything made at home is money in your pocket. Homemade bread can be healthier and cheaper than store bought bread. This reads true for cakes, muffins, snacks, etc. You get to decide the ingredients going into them and they’re made fresh, without preservatives! Having handy meals and snacks that are made at home will also stop the temptation of buying take-out, especially when you don’t feel like cooking, don’t have a lot of time to cook, or are too sick to cook! So, money saved is money earned!
Something I do that earns me a little bit of extra money, and I mean very little, is doing surveys online. I do the surveys through i-Say/ipsos and you can trade the points you earn for Paypal cash, giftcards, or charity donations! It takes time and quite a few surveys to even earn $5, but when you think of it, how much time do you spend on social media without getting paid. The time you spend lying in bed late at night, just scrolling through Facebook or Instagram could be spent doing surveys and earning a bit of money. I don’t make this a “job”, but if we’re on a drive or if I’m in the bathroom, I do surveys then to earn points and eventually trade them in for money. So far I’ve earned about $20, which I add to our “gift fund” for all the birthdays, Christmas, etc., that we need to buy gifts for.
As I have stated before, money saved is money earned. Another way to save money is in-person grocery shopping. If you can use coupons, and/or price match then do it! The Real Canadian Superstore is the only store in my town that allows price matching and it’s the only store I shop at. I make my grocery list using their online ordering service without processing the order, so I know roughly how much my grocery order will be. Then I note the items that I can price match and price match them at the checkout. If you don’t know what price matching is, here’s a quick rundown: any store that is on the list at the Superstore that sells the exact same item (company, weight, size must be identical) and it is cheaper at the other store, the Superstore will change their price at checkout to match the other store’s cheaper price. You need to show them the flyer to prove the item is the exact same. I use the Reebe app, but you can also use the Flipp app, online flyers, or physical flyers. You may think this is not worth the effort, but there have been times that I have saved over $20 in one grocery trip! And to the people bickering behind me because I am price matching, I kindly tell them that if they want to pay me the $20 in cash that I’m saving then I will stop price matching and checkout quicker, and if not, either be patient or go to another checkout lane! Coupons can also save you money, on top of the price matching so use them!! The United States has crazy coupons rules that you should definitely use if you live there, but here in Canada, it’s usually only like save $0.50 or $1, but again, it’s a dollar in your pocket and not some corporation! So in saying all of this, I use my grocery budget as a way to “earn” money by saving money because I set aside that money I save.
The other reason I shop mainly at the Superstore is because I have a PC Mastercard and subscribe to the PC Insiders subscription. The PC Mastercard gives me PC points on all of my purchases on the credit card. The Insider’s Subscription allows me to earn extra PC points by purchasing certain things in the SuperStore like No Name and PC branded items. I can use my PC Points at checkout to save money on my total grocery order. To give you some perspective, I just used all my points on my birthday, May 4, and I already have $67 in points and it is May 9. Obviously everyone’s point collection amounts will differ and this is not how fast I consistently rack up points. I usually earn a good $300-$400 a year in points that I use for gifts, to save money on groceries, or one year we bought a BBQ with points!! We also purchased that BBQ during a no tax event so I think we ended paying $5.00 for the BBQ in the end. So I encourage you to find a credit card that can earn you maximum benefits, or a debit card (if that exists), but I do not condone going into debt to earn points or cash back! I always shop using my credit card and then immediately in the car, transfer the money from my bank account onto my Mastercard so I don’t incur interest expenses, because that is an expense we don’t need to pay!!
Rakuten is another way you can earn cash back! Rakuten is an app that is connected to lots of stores online. Each store offers a certain amount of cashback if you shop there. The cashback amounts do change at certain times of year, but if you shop online then you need to use Rakuten! If you’re nervous about using it because you’ve never used it, don’t worry, you’re still shopping online at the store you want to. For example, I shop at Carter’s Osh-Kosh for the kid’s clothes. Instead of just going straight to the Carter’s website, I use my phone and go onto Rakuten, then go to the Carter’s website through the app. The purchase is still made through the Carter’s website, but my purchase amount allows me to earn the cashback on my Rakuten account. So far I have earned $73.12 since opening the account. They automatically send you your cashback throughout the year. I have included my Rakuten referral code and would really appreciate that if you do decide to sign up, please use my code. Then you can refer others and earn your own referrals as well!
Another app I use to earn cashback is Checkout 51. It is like using coupons, but after you shop. There is a list of items that Checkout 51 offers cashback on that updates weekly so get your receipt in before Wednesday! After I do my grocery shopping, I go on to the Checkout 51 app and see if anything I bought is offered as a cashback. If it is, then you select your items, upload your receipt by taking pictures of it through the app (and it allows lots of photos for long receipts which I tend to have), and then you send it in. An employee will verify that the item has been purchased and your cashback amount will be added to your account. Once your account reaches $20, you can request your cashback amount to be sent to you. Since creating my account, I have earned $63.22 and included in this is my current amount of $21.22 waiting for me when I want to ask for it. Recently, Checkout 51 has added surveys to add more ways to save and earn money.
The money that you save at the grocery store, earn doing surveys, get as cashback using apps, and even just selling the things you don’t use around the house can go to so many places! You can open a separate savings account to put it all into and then once it hits a certain amount like $100, you can transfer it into RRSP’s or RESP’s. You can pay off any debts that you have with the extra money. What we tend to do it put this money into our vacation fund or gift fund. Having a bigger family means more birthdays, more gifts at Christmas, and more birthday party invites from your children’s friends, so having some extra money in the gift fund can help pay for the extra presents. Make sure you set this money aside though so you can also see how all of your hard work and efforts have paid off! Discuss this part with your partner, but this extra money could also go to date nights, shopping trips, or pampering yourself!
I do have an awesome husband on my side in all of this though. He knows how much I struggle mentally with the guilt of being at home. Josh constantly reaffirms how much he appreciates everything I do around the house and for the family. He tells me that between the two of us, I have the harder job and he doesn’t hesitate to let anyone know that. I just always have the guilt in the back of my mind though. I have always worked hard for what I have. At 18 years old, after graduating High School I did not go to College. I needed to go to work and help my Mom pay the bills because the cost of living is very high in Ottawa and my brother was going to University. I worked 3 jobs while going to College, and during my second year, I was also pregnant. I am not shy to hard work. Being a Stay-at-Home Mom is just a different style of work. There is no commute to mentally prepare you for your day ahead, unless you count the walk to the bathroom in the morning as your morning commute. There is no winding down during your commute home from work either. I used to blast music on my way home after a hard day at work and by the time I got home, I was mentally prepared to be at home and handle to tasks ahead. Fortunately, Josh and I have set ourselves up financially so I would be able to stay home by the time we had 4 kids, but there are those times that when Josh comes home from a hard day at work, I just feel like I could do more to help. Am I the only one that has that guilt or what?!
The main way that I beat the guilt of being a stay at home parent is through communication! Josh and I make sure that we talk on a regular basis about our finances, how he’s feeling at work, etc. If it ever gets to be too much then I have no problem taking a part-time job in the evening and on weekends to help financially and relieve any stress from Josh. If our finances ever get to a point that we both needed to work, then I would do the research to find affordable childcare for the young kids, and get a job! I always like to check in to make sure that we are always on the same page with what I do at home, how our finances are, what our plans are for the future, etc. These talks should take place at least once a year, but Josh and I tend to talk about this usually once every 3 months. Communicate how you’re feeling, encourage your spouse to talk about how they’re feeling, and make sure you are on the same page, that you feel validated in your vocation to be at home, and if need be, you can show your spouse all the ways you contribute if they need to be shown that, but hopefully they don’t.
If you do choose to sign up for the PC Mastercard, please use my referral code KA12386179. It will earn me a few extra PC Points. Then, you can refer your family and friends, up to 3 people, from your account and earn yourself some points too!
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